Thursday, January 24, 2013

Breaking News: Dads Search for Balance Too

A few weeks ago, a small controversy erupted after Lisa Belkin wrote an end-of-2012/beginning-of-2013 article on Huffington Post: Trends in Parenting: 13 Things Moms and Dads Should Expect to See in 2013. The problem some people (me included) had with Belkin was that the article was very momcentric. 12 of the things parents should expect to see in 2013, according to Belkin, relate to motherhood, and one item deals with dads. Basically, we should expect dads to keep on daddying.

Belkin's response to the criticism was that she wasn't being momcentric, but simply reporting on the current (and future) issues that made news, and that motherhood made news. Fatherhood, on the other hand, was just there. Men observed, helped, and sometimes complained about diaper commercials, but ultimately, parenting was a women's issue.

Which is why I think I need to jump in and deliver the first great parenting story of 2013, which surprisingly stands in direct contrast to Belkin's predictions: Dads search for balance too.

I know, who would have thought.

The story of moms searching for a family-career balance made Belkin's list. It's a very interesting story, don't get me wrong. It's a story about changing identities, and about society, and about types of jobs lost and gained in a service-based economy, and it's a story of shifting priorities. But it's not only a motherhood story, and that's where Belkin got it wrong.

For every mother who is no longer content in being "just" a mother, there's a father who now sees his life as a failure if he doesn't spend enough time with his kids. For every mother tipping her personal balance toward career and self-fulfillment, there's a father who realizes self-fulfillment can also be found in a game of Candyland.

Being a man, and more specifically, being a stay-at-home-dad, I am naturally more drawn to stories about fatherhood. I assume the same is true for Belkin with stories about motherhood. The reason she didn't write about fatherhood in her article wasn't that there weren't valuable stories to be told, but that she didn't look for them.

But every story about a mom looking for balance has a male equivalent.

Every story about a mom who was asked to leave a restaurant because she was breastfeeding can be followed by a story about a dad dragging his infant twins around an airport, searching for a changing table in a men's room.

Every story about the way mothers were sought after by both political parties at the conventions can be told alongside a story about the way fatherhood was ignored by both parties.

Men search for balance, and men search for their true identities in a changing world that will define them and relegate them to #12 in a list of 13 if they don't define themselves. The world is changing, and we are changing with it. And our stories are worth telling.


12 comments:

  1. I love it and you are right. The only time you hear about fathers are when they are not being fathers. You made some excellent points. It's a shame that people still think the way people thought years ago. The world is changing and responsibilities with it. Kudos to you and hope your year is filled with happiness =D

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  2. Great post, Oren. As much as I don't want the whole motherhood/fatherhood thing to be made into a competetion, I think it is important to be vocal when others like Belkin push things in that direction. I appreciate you speaking up for our collective dadness, sir. And I appreciate the way you do it.

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    1. Thanks, Mitchell. I really don't think it's a mothers vs. fathers thing. I think mothers love reading about fatherhood. Unfortunately, they can't find much about fatherhood in parenting magazines.

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  3. Well done, Oren. (I had a longer comment on the other interface, but didn't want to FB it.) Basically, I was trying to say that yeah, even though I have a (much-needed) job outside the home, and even though the bosses are pretty good about understanding parenting responsibilities, I sometimes feel like my ability to move forward in the company is hampered because I place my family ahead of the job. I never stay late (gotta pick up the boys at daycare), and I sometimes have to stay home with sick kids or on those days when tropical weather closes the schools. So, yeah, my wife juggles life's demands like an absolute champion. But hey ... I'm a dad, and I'm trying to juggle things, too. It'd be nice to be included in the conversation.

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    1. I know. And I think that's a growing problem for women too. Once they tilt the balance toward career, they're expected to go all in.

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  4. I seriously need to write a post with 13 things dad can expect to see in the next year - i can then add the Huffington post tag to every tweet -

    Aaron Brinker aka Dad Blunders

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    1. I might resort to standing outside the HP castle with a sandwich sign.

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  5. I currently use my cell phone or the computer at work or school.

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  6. This is such an important issue, so I'm really pleased that you've brought it up. I'm not a stay at home dad, but work life balance and spending as much time as possible with my wife and son has been so important since we became parents in April of this year. It really frustrates me to see articles or publications that are supposedly focused on parenting basically only talking about mums.

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  7. Thanks. I'm glad you liked it. And yea, it's not about SAHDs or working dads--it's about half the story not being told.

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