Thursday, September 1, 2011

Pink: The Futile Struggles of Progressive Parents

So, did we fail?

Maybe it's all those pink hand-me-downs we get for our girl. How can you say no to free clothes, after all?

Or maybe it started when we got tired of correcting people because of the short hair. We corrected them, they apologized... Who needs that? Why not put a little something in her hair? A little pink ribbon never hurt no one.

Maybe we simply can't help treating the girl differently because we were brought up at a time when females were regarded as weaker than males, physically and emotionally, and getting over that takes a generation or two.

We all fight it at first. We think we'll raise them differently. We think we're pioneers. And we fight it to the point of hypocrisy: making sure our girls never see a Barbie doll but thinking it's cute that our boys play with them.

But no matter how much we vow to be progressive and to raise our kids differently, the day comes when we realize that--for the most part--we've been fighting a losing battle. Sure, we still stand by our initial vow to let our kids be all they want to be with no relation to their sex, but on the other hand, that vow is now nearly meaningless, because our boys will only wear superhero underwear and our girls' favorite toys are combs.

Who knows... Maybe it's our fault. Maybe all it takes is a little pink button on the onesie, and subconsciously we end up treating her more gently than we did her older brother. We don't throw her in the air as high. We wait a little longer before we let her climb up and down the stairs. We run faster to see what's wrong when she cries.

Or maybe contemporary society is not that much better than the one we grew up in, and our kids never had a chance to grow unbound by gender stereotypes.

And maybe we don't matter at all. Never did. Maybe our kids' personalities--their blue and pink and everything in between--will be shaped less by our best intentions than by the intentions of the popular kids in their schools, the real decision-makers when it comes to future social norms.

And if that's the case, then maybe we should just let go. Let her play with her Barbie. Let him watch his X-Men. As long as we encourage them to switch toys every once in a while. And as long as we don't think we've failed them and society when they're unwilling to do that.






Pink


23 comments:

  1. Yawn. Quit being so self-indulgent and fretting about nonsense. You're turning parenting into an academic exercise. That will do more damage to your kids than actually letting them act in gendered ways.

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  2. Yawn back at you, anonymous commenter. Letting them act in gendered ways was the point of the post, dumb dumb.

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  3. I think you should lock your daughter in the attic with no external stimuli and then see what happens. It's really the only way to really know if gender personality is a result of nature or nurture. SCIENCE!

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  4. I got the point of the post. It's interesting what happened when your progressive approach to parenting was tested against reality. I'll credit you with admitting that the experiment didn't work. I wish others who argue that gender is a social construct would acknowledge as much.

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  5. When my daughter was born I made sure her room was blue with a moon and star theme, and I made my son's room yellow with a different moon and stars theme. This way from the first onset I let them just be. Now my daughter is still quite the girlie girl but she's willing to try "manly" things ie sports. And though my son is only two, my husband and I allow him to play with his "dollie dollie" when he feels the need.

    However, when the outside filters in, it's hard to keep those stereotypical roles at bay.

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  6. I think what matters is kids get what they want and not what their parents want when they have the capacity to choose already.

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  7. dadandburied, I have been doing that from the moment she was born. Barbie climbs up there all by herself through the AC.

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  8. Anonymous, I'm not sure my experiment(?) wasn't successful. I am saying, though, that if gendered behavior IS nurtured, not even my best intentions can prove it, because I'm a product of my time and because even if I weren't, I'm definitely not the only one shaping my kids.

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  9. Chocolate Mom, our girl's room is green (well, it has a light-green ceiling and a green changing table cover), but there's no way you can mistake it for a boy's room. We think we're so advanced because our daughter doesn't have a Princess shirt, but she also doesn't have a football shirt, you know?

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  10. It's so fascinating, isn't it, to watch them choose the toys they do and gravitate (or leap) toward certain behaviors. I thought it wouldn't bother me if my son picked up a Barbie and played with it, until he did. Maybe bother isn't the right word. My point is that even our most enlightened moments are challenged when we're confronted with our children's gender choices.

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  11. It is interesting to see how my child, developed. I can see where he gets the loves of sports and history from me, but his passion for the arts, be it painting or music from his mother.
    I tend to disagree with the whole nature v. nurture argument, as I believe there are shades of both involved.

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  12. Frogs in my formula, I know what you mean. Remember those anti-J.Crew idiots who protested the picture of the kid with the painted nails? It's easy to make fun of them, but it's not like I'd be thrilled if I saw my own kid with painted nails... Luckily I can still laugh at the idiots because they connected it all to a "Gay Agenda."

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  13. MD's Musings, I really don't know about the nature/nurture, and I don't know if anyone can tell for sure. There are probably a lot of studies that say it's one or the other, but I think things are so subtle, that we can't even tell when we push our kids one way or the other. (Like I said, it could be a pink button on the onesie that will make me subconsciously be more gentle with my girl than I was with my boy.)

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  14. Girls are sweet by nature that's why dads always treat them with care more than the boys.

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  15. Don't be mad with anonymous. Haters only proves that you are popular.

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  16. It's just the way of the world. Lukas, at 4 despises the color pink because that's a girl color. This was not my doing.

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  17. James, but my boy likes pink... He came out of the dentist's office and the receptionist hands him a box with the stickers and little gifts, and he went straight for the sparkly pink bracelet. At the same time, now that he's found Diego, Dora is dead to him.

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  18. what I've read it's about teaching more than anything and positive reinforcement. I think there's a bit of that in our family too. We mix traditional/authoritative/progressive together. It works for us.

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  19. Some said that the color pink is really for boys and not girls but I guess we got used to seeing them with girls that's why we associate pink with girls.

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  20. I don't see nothing wrong with being gentle with a girl. She deserves it and I am sure all girls want that extra care from their parents.

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  21. Great post, Oren! That said, I love pink and was a big Barbie fan in my day.

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  22. IleenieWeenie, of course you like pink! You're a GIRL!

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  23. According to me from age 15 you need be as a friends. before that Parents should allow them to be what they are..

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