Friday, January 7, 2011

An Answer to Salon.com

Before I had kids, I couldn't tell the difference between a one-day-old and a three-year-old. It sounds like I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. I never held a baby or a toddler before I held my own. Never changed a diaper, of course. To be frank, although I liked kids, I didn't particularly like babies or toddlers. Didn't see the point of these... things.

About time I've made my confession. I used to think I was really cool, playing in a band, with my long hair and my pack-a-day Winston Lights and all. And I used to think people were just being polite when they said their friends' babies were cute. But three years after we've started the adventure, I'm happy to admit I was wrong.

Three years ago, I started realizing every day was different. One day he actually looked at me, for the first time. No one has ever looked at me like that. Another day he held on to my finger. Another day he was turning his head to follow me, smiling, like he trusted me. And then one day he started looking more like his mom, thankfully.

And while he continued to grow and change, and to surprise us on a daily basis, we went and made ourselves another baby. Now we experience the adventure again.

Everything is the same, and everything is different this time around. She laughs at the same jokes, but she laughs in a different way. She doesn't do her best to fall off the bed, like he did as soon as he started crawling, but when she wants to fall, we can't stop her. She loves the same food he loved, but eats more of it, and throws more of it on the floor. Her eyes are blue, like his, but a different blue. She's as friendly as he has ever been, but more aggressively so.

There's an article from salon.com making the rounds now, because God forbid a week goes by without a pseudo-controversial article questioning people's life-choices. In this article, a long time stay-at-home mother writes, "Fourteen years ago, I 'opted out' to focus on my family. Now I'm broke." Well, let me say it now, just in case the world comes tumbling down and I'm forced to ask myself uneasy questions: Yes, it's hard. Yes, it might get harder. Yes, there will be days when I look back and wonder if staying home with the kids was the right thing to do. But I will never go out in public, and for the price of a freelance article on salon.com, tell the world my kids have ruined my life. I will never blame my kids for my own decisions. And I will never tell them, "You owe me for the time I'd invested in you."

I'm not the father of the year--probably not even the father of the day. But I own my decisions. Staying at home with my kids is the greatest thing I can imagine. I consider myself the luckiest man in the world, being able to spend so much time with these people. And if everything changes and I find myself with nothing, I will still be the luckiest man who's ever lived, because I was here for moments like these:

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35 comments:

  1. Well said my friend. Honestly, I feel better about my choices every day especially when I see the self-serving drivel people are willing to write just to make a few bucks.

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  2. Being a parent requires a lot of sacrifices. Maybe life is really like that. I'm sure your parents have undergone the same situation like you did. But everything is all worth while when you see the smiles in your children's faces. The gift of life is so precious to be wasted on regrets. :)

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  3. Interesting piece. Thanks for linking to it.

    I understand where you're coming from about writing that story and how she comes across as blaming her kids for her situation, but I'm not 100% sure I think it's the wrong decision (her writing the column I mean).

    Stuff like this needs to be acknowledged. At-home parents DO put their professional lives on hold for the duration of their time at home, be it until the youngest is in school full time, or later, or earlier. That decision will impact their career in some way, shape, or form. I think there's value in her sharing her story, if for no other reason than it may cause some people to think about the possible repercussions more thoroughly when deciding to remain at home.

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  4. As primarily a stay home parent, I do think about what would happen to me and my kids if something happened to my husband. But the fact remains that even if I did work full time, it would be struggle. Part of the reason I stay home is because I work in an industry that doesn't pay a lot and I'd be handing over 90% of my pay to a daycare provider. What's the point? I see her concerns, but I hate that she represents simply having a job as the solution to all her problems.

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  5. Having kids can really get you broke and you have to be prepared for it. Sometimes people fail to realize the value of parenting. Money is just money. Yes you need it but it is not everything.

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  6. Tessasdad, thanks. I mean, I understand how something like that COULD be helpful, but really, that's only if the parent is searching for excuses and wants to feel better about his/her resentment of the kids.

    auto, even if the writer doesn't regret having kids, but just staying home with them, I believe she's being dishonest (although maybe not realizing it).

    SciFi, I understand what you're saying. After all, many women still grow up thinking their roles after they're married is to have kids and stay home. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you're aware of the alternatives and as long as you're aware of the pros and cons of all the life-choices you actually have. I just didn't feel like this piece was directed at those about to make that move back home, but instead, at those who had made the move and now regret it. Maybe I misread it.

    Kayris, I'm with you. I had a job, my wife had a career. It was a no-brainer. (Well, maybe a little brainer.) And spending the money I made at a job that meant nothing to me for the privilege of letting someone else take care of the kids didn't make sense. Things might suck in the future, but not because I'm home instead of staring at the clock back at the bookstore. Thing is, she makes the point that her situation was the same, and yet she now thinks her job would have made the difference between a fulfilling life and that of a victim who sacrificed her life and happiness for her kids...

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  7. Very sweet post and adorable and funny photo!!!! I stayed home three or four years with my kids & am regret free.

    I think if she's going to place blame, she should point at the divorce and not staying home with the kids. That's where women tend to lose out as I understand it, although I have to admit to only having skimmed her statistics.

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  8. I haven't read the article, and I probably won't. But I love the point you are making. This? This is what it is all about. How can it be a means to ruin ones life. This IS life.

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  9. Jill, it was a long article with a pre-determined conclusion: Having kids is a wonderful thing, but taking care of them can ruin your life. Thing is, there's so much else to blame--it's just easy (and controversial ==> publish-worthy) to blame staying at home. Why not blame the husband or getting married at all in the first place? Why not blame her choice of major at school?

    James, thanks! I'm with you there.

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  10. wow! for man to express those words with such tenderness and love you are definitely a one great father to your kids. I salute you for that.Keep it up!

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  11. What a fantastic post! I would give anything to stay home with my kids. But I'm not going to blame my husband's and kids' needs for why I'm working. It is what it is. It's the life we chose. Glad you found me on Twitter so I could find your blog. :)

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  12. Knitwear, hey, thanks!

    Not Just, there's always someone to blame, isn't it? We blame our parents, then we blame our partners, and then we blame our kids. Whatever happened to free will? (And thanks. Looks like our kids are about the same age, too.)

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  13. Wow! Great and inspiring story from a father who knows best for his children. Hmmm! Being a father is not a joke, it is a lifetime commitment in raising kids from babyhood to adulthood. And I'm so grateful to hear and learn from your experiences. Many thanks!

    Cheers,
    Jimmy Fletcher

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  14. I really admire you as a father. For me, you made the right decision for the sake of your children. Being a parent is one of the greatest investment that a couple ever had. Our children are our precious treasures in life that we tend to sacrifice for their own sake. I do appreciate those dads who are very responsible and make their time available for their kids. Great job! just continue on what you've started.

    Much thanks,
    Shira Meir
    *a daughter and also a mom with 2 kids

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  15. It is nice reading the fatherhood and parenting stories here. Fatherhood indeed is filled with joys and challenges. Anyway, does becoming a better father make you a better husband?

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  16. What a great post. Even today sometimes I can't tell the difference between a 1 and 3 year old. You're right that it's hard. It's a sacrifice that sometimes feels like it's not worth it. Or the progress feels slow or non-existent. But you get up each day and do your best. Maybe you're not father-of-year, but the choices you're making today will provide big dividends down the road.

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  17. Thanks, Everyone.

    (Hi, Autumn! Good to see you here.)

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  18. She may not have much money but, I'll bet there are 000's of parent's out there who wish that staying at home with the kids had even been a possibility. Most people have no choice in the matter!

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  19. "I used to think I was really cool, playing in a band, with my long hair and my pack-a-day Winston Lights and all."

    I guess that makes most of us! :)

    I agree that having babies is an everyday adventure. We don't really care about those "Daddy of the Year" awards. As long as our kids look at us with sparkles in their eyes, that's all that matters.

    Of course, a mug given by our kid with the print, "The World's Greatest Dad" is always appreciated! :)

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  20. Beautiful post. So honest!

    I am still at the stage where I think people are being polite when they say someone's baby is cute but I know things will change once I do have one of my own. I don't know if I'm ready yet though - I guess no one knows when they're ready!

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  21. Yeah! I do agree with you guys. Everyday is an adventure when you have a baby. They were the one who put colors into our lives. I don't have a baby but i do like kids and i learn how to take care of babies.

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  22. I love the honesty of this article. Every word in here are truly heart touching.
    When you become a parent, its not just a matter of decision but its a matter of responsibility. Your kids are gifts from above that you should enjoy everyday.
    Im looking forward for another blog from a father. I enjoyed reading this one.

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  23. Very nice story.You are really proud mom huh.Congrats for having an angel of your life.

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  24. Thanks for this wonderful post. I am truly inspired by the contents of your article. I will be a proud mom soon and I'm just glad that i have read this kind of topic.

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  25. Nice post! By reading your post, I have able to imagine the difference of being a mother. Of course, the feeling is really different if you reach at that stage of motherhood. I think the perceptions towards children will change eventually.

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  26. You've made a right decision.Teenage life is over. Now, it's time for you to face the next phase of your life. And that is, a life together with your wife and kids. Being a father and a husband can sometimes be tough. You really need to adjust to the new life that you have where you will be entitle as "dad". More responsibilities to to do.For me, being a father is one of the greatest things that happens in a person's life.

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  27. wow! I seldom see and read post from a father about his children. And this is one of the best that I have read. It is never an easy thing to be a parent to our children and it takes extra effort to watch them over. And the decision to be at home with your kids, is worth it. I congratulate you with that. btw, kudos for an inspiring blog post.

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  28. This is such a wonderful post. So heartwarming that I appreciated the love of my father for me. When I was a kid, I am more attached to my father than my mom. I do not know, being the eldest daughter, it seems that dad is always attentive of my needs. I love my father very much, he listens when I am in trouble in school but most of all he can always make me smile. I salute you for being a great parent.

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  29. Lovely post!this is life,'The best inheritance a parent can give to his/her children is a few minutes of their time each day,here you are ready to spend the whole day& every moment with your children,i really appreciate you for this.Keep loving your children dearly.

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  30. Great post! Being a parent is not easy, you need to make sacrifices for the sake of your children. You also need to provide their needs and guide them in the right path. There may be many responsibilities, but seeing your children grow well is the most precious gift a parent could ever have. I salute you for being a great loving father. Thanks for the share.

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  31. This is a great post. Many men really can't imagine themselves having their own kid. My boyfriend also tells me that, though he said that he really wanted to have a kid of his own. I always told him that it is not easy being a father, he should prepare himself. I also salute you for being such a great father. I am sure your kids are lucky to have you.

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  32. Being a parent is far from what we used to be. It's a big sacrifice and the choice is up to ours. Racing them is a challenge we can't quit for the moment we decide to enter in what we so called marriage expect a child and responsibility that tails to it. The person they will become lies in a our hands. Nice to know that everything who have done was nothing but a decision of a parent to him child. And the best gift was spending big part of your life watching them grow in every single minute of their lives. Be there for them always.

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  33. Hi.

    Excellent post and it really rings true to me. I found myself in your exact situation a few years back and I understand exactly what you mean that you couldn't really tell the age of a kid before you had kids of your own. It's weird how things can change so quickly but having a child is the best thing that can happen to you.

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  34. Very sweet post and adorable and funny photo. I think if she's going to place blame, she should point at the divorce and not staying home with the kids. Thank you.

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